Date A Technophobe

He’s amazing. Everything is going well. You’ll love him till hell freezes over or the grand rupture happens.

Ian* is extremely IT-Savvy and he can fix almost any issue with your laptop or phone. He is like a MacBook. He just wants to take care of you till you decide to call it quits. It won’t be smooth sailing after that.

Perhaps, he spotted you somewhere when you hugged your male friend, a little too long and a little too tight. Remotely, he can find all your details online and make life difficult. With a shot of whisky on the table and his laptop on his lap. He decides to go read through your messages, perusing through WhatsApp and critically eyeing all your pictures and videos. Taking in all your images, videos, comments, re-tweets, friends, likes and followers.

Keeping a keen eye out for Alex. Your close friend.

After a long night out with the girls, that was both unplanned and ecstatic. You pass out on his couch.  Tapping on the keyboard on his laptop. Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Your name pops up on all of them and your mind is hazy from the alcohol but you can tell that something is off. If he has the time to stalk you on social media then what is he really capable of?

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The breakup happens and you think that the dust has settled. Till out of nowhere inappropriate images and messages are popping up online. You aren’t the type of girl interested in boudoir photography.  Plus, your bank manager called because you’re trying to withdraw a chunky amount of cash from your savings account.

Esther* has never loaned Ian* a scent since they started dating but who else could it be?

The entire story is fiction but can you imagine crossing an IT nerd from hell. You might swear off smartphones and fall in love with Kibambes (feature phones).

Date a technophobe. Who secretly wishes that Nokia 3310 makes a comeback. He doesn’t understand, why you need a smartphone, a tablet, a smartwatch and a tablet. After all, isn’t a tablet nothing more than an illegitimate child between a smartphone and tablet.

He doesn’t understand how pictures are stored in the clouds. Staring into the clouds with a quizzed expression. As a kid, he remembers how they used to gaze at the clouds for hours.

Uber this! Uber that! John doesn’t understand what the fuss is all about. He’s had a taxi guy for years and that’s how he likes it. This taxi guy doesn’t need an app to find his way around because he knows all of the shortcuts.

This man will never tag you as #WCW because he isn’t on any social media sites. Plus, he doesn’t understand what that acronym means, so on a Monday, he might accidentally tag you as #MCM.  Adam will never write lengthy posts revealing intimate details about your relationship on Facebook.

Felix just doesn’t understand Twitter or its K.I.S.S. concept. So you’ll never worry about mushy hashtags or shocking memes that make your eyes pop out. Instagram won’t be filled with images of you holding hands, walking on a beach, going on dates or playing with each other. With no WhatsApp on his phone, he’ll never know if you’ve read his messages because normal SMS doesn’t have blue ticks.

He will never spy on you appropriately because technology is the enemy. It keeps changing before the average person can keep up with it. Lastly, no one will feel pity for you when it ends because they never knew that you were dating in the first place.

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