Kungu Fu Man – Leave That Man Alone

 

I have a friend. I call him Kung Fu Man, from time to time. He’s dark and everything else that ladies like. Kung Fu Man could be single or taken but nobody really knows. Finding out about his love life is like breaking into the Kremlin. However, some ladies just don’t care and they will chase him regardless.

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Kung Fu Man has a small problem.

He isn’t painfully shy or strikingly vulgar. Sometimes when a lady states that she’s disinterested in a man then one rotten apple will always compare her, to a female dog and mutter, under his breath. Obviously that doesn’t faze you because he doesn’t have much between his ears. A boy that has refused to grow up. An inner voice wonders ‘who is his mother?’ or ‘What tree did that apple fall from?’

Kung Fu Panda isn’t scared about committing to the right lady. He’ll change her last name when the time is right. That’s enough about him. His real problem is that ladies hound him just like Team Mafisi chase ladies.

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Mama Mboga is cutting some skuma wiki (spinach) for Kung Fu Man.

Smiling cheekily at him “kwa nini hauna bibi’, (how come you don’t have a wife).

Smiling slightly and assertively ‘sijampata’, (I haven’t found one).

Running over to him, licking her thick lips, she looks over strangely at him briefly.

Una kaa kama uko kubwa kila mahali”, (you look like you’re big everywhere) she says expectantly as she takes her time cutting his skuma wiki.

Letting her eyes wander all over him as she uses her right hand to wipe sweat from her forehead.

Starting to become irritated “kwani utakata na utapika hio skuma wiki”, (Will you cut and cook the spinach).

Nimemaliza”, (I’m done) she says as she stumbles closer to him and strokes his arm on purpose.

He shudders lightly because Mama Mboga looks like one of his mums’ friends. Awkward and unsure of how to react, he quickly searches for money in his pocket for change. He pulls out a 50 bob note.

Wacha nikutafutie”, (Let me look for it) she adjusts her leso, almost as if they’re all alone.

Her hand quickly skims over her hips and she straightens her head as if she’s wearing a heavy crown.

The moment stretches as she pretends to keep looking for the 30 bob for him.

Kung fu man contemplates leaving her but every coin counts in this Kenyan economy. You never know the day, that you’ll be digging into you backpack for a 20 bob, to hand over to the tout that’s been eyeing you, for far too long.

Mum, kuna customer anataka kuongea na wewe,” (Mum, a customer wants to take to you) she sounds pleasant and warm.

Mama Mboga is hesitant but she steps away from the stall and starts walking in the direction that her daughter is pointing.

Cathy can barely hide her wide smile “Sasa umerudi,” (Hi, you’re back) she breathes out excitedly.

“Nimekumiss. Si siku moja uta niite nikupikie,” (I’ve missed you. One day, call me and I’ll cook for you) she says as she gets more daring by the moment.

Not caring about how uncomfortable, she makes him.

The tension could cut through and ice glacier. Kung Fu Man is at a loss for words and starts shuffling in his spot. He smiles weakly. Cathy beams at him like the sun with an expectant gaze. Her look lingers even longer and more penetrating than her mother.

Kung Fu Man wonders in his head if he should forget the change and head home. However, this is the only Mama Mboga vendor that he trusts in his estate. Cathy moves closer so that he can take a better look at her body brimming with curves. Pouting her red-stained weaves and straightening her curly weave.

His eyes dart everywhere except there… This mother and daughter…

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