Kung Fu Man – Facebook Love

“I just don’t know what it is about me,” lamenting softly “girls love chasing me.” Kung Fu Man is tired of ladies throwing themselves at his feet.

“Is nobody safe,” I chuckle to myself. I’ve heard him say this a few times before.

“Let’s be clear I’m not chasing them. It’s them chasing me,” he finishes off.

I try to suppress my giggles but they just keep escaping me. He’s slightly amused by me.

“Valentine’s Day was crazy,” he says as he nods his head slowly to himself.



Just before Valentine’s Day, my phone was firing off with texts. The wall clock said 3:48 pm.

“Hey Kung fun man, it’s been a while,” a text from Kate enters my phone.

“Nimekumiss, kwani umenitupa?” (I’ve missed you. Have you thrown me away?) another text from a private number. Truecaller.

“Xaxa babie, sweets haw is u,” that one clearly sounds like it’s a high school kid (Don’t hate me for thinking it).

“Call me up Kung Fu Man. I have a big surprise. Kisses and hugs,” sweet Gloria. Not really my type, though.

“Buda, nimesota si unirudisha hio 3k nilikupea. Dame yangu anaeza ni murder mimi hio weekend!” (Dude, I’m really desperate, please refund my 3k. My chick might kill me this weekend) Sam is dead broke and it’s almost Valentine’s Day.

Putting down my smartphone, looking through a clear window, I can see people busy moving up and down. Up close, it looks erratic but from his slightly elevated position, they look like they’re moving in unison.


Cinnamon fills up the air. I pull out cinnamon rolls quickly from the oven and puts them on the counter. I try munching one but it’s just too hot so I drop it on the tray and breath in the delicious aroma instead.

My phone starts ringing erratically, Mum flashes on the screen wildly.

I pick up, “Hi -.”

“-Who is Angela?” Mum cuts in.

“Mum. Who?” slowly and a little confused.

“Angela ni nani,” (Who is Angela?)  she says without gasping for air, “she says that she loves you on Facebook.”

“Mum,” I let a fake gasp, “you’re on Facebook,” I laugh a little.

“I know more than you think I do,” mum says trying to prove that she knows a thing or two “Like your brother just told me what #bae, #mcm and #wcw means,” pausing for effect “your generation is just lazy.”

I start breathing slowly. Pacing up and down, as I stare at the black clock on the wall.

“Mum, can I call you back,” I asks a little impatiently and gently “There’s a function tonight.”

“Some woman is saying that she loves you Facebook and can’t wait to settle down,” mum says.

I laugh out loud “Mum are you sure that you sent me the friend requests?” I ask because Facebook is over populated.

It’s you. I can see you,” she responds in Kikuyu.

“Mum, I’m so busy,” pleading softly and rubbing my eyes gently.

“Si, I can see your brother,” she responds and sounds as if she’s squinting at a screen.

“Yes,” I say sobering up and paying full attention to her.

“Huyo Angela, ni Mũtumia wako?” (this Angela, is she your woman?)  Mum asks sharply.

Is mum asking me a question or making a statement? I hope she isn’t playing matchmaker again…

“Thie Facebook ona,” (Go to Facebook and look) she clicks and hangs up soon after.

That name sounds a little familiar but I’m exhausted from baking all day for some fancy function uptown. I’ll take a break before I pack the baked goodies.

Walking over to my backpack, pulling out my laptop and logging onto Facebook.

A beautiful photo of Angela and I dressed in wedding regalia in a rose garden with a dimming sunrise behind them. I rub my right eye. I slowly zoom in on the image. Rubbing my left eye. I zoom even closer.

I’ll admit that this is some pretty good Photoshop work.

Uploaded 10 minutes ago by Angela. This post has 231 likes, 8 love it emoticons, 5 haha emoticons, 3 angry emoticons, 7 wow emoticons, 41 shares plus 162 comments.

Close friends are laughing and teasing me because they should know better.

“Bwana, kwani you got married between now and last week,” Isaac was the first to comment. I’ll kill him when he resurfaces.

“Nigga, I’m so glad you took the leap (sobbing emoji) LMFAO (laughing and crying emoji),” Brian is taking a piss.

“Kung fu man is mine. So b%*#@ you best check yourself,” Tameka is livid. Coming from the States, she sounds like she belongs in a black reality show.

“I’m so sad somebody else had the chance to make you happy (blowing kiss emoji),” Mary has had a not so secret crush on me since university. It’s pretty harmless.

“You’ll always be the love of my life.” Kayl… What a second! I’ve blocked this chick twice on Facebook.

“To all my haters… Who thought that I’d never settle down. I’ll kill anybody that tries anything on MY MAN” Angela is psychotic. I’m a crazy chick magnet.

The last comment… Mum was clearly fighting with herself. CAPS Lock almost won the war.

“What nonsense is this? Wait till your dad gets back from Nigeria… COME HOME NOW! LOVE MUM.”


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