In The Deep End

Mary runs as first as her feet can take her. Suddenly, she’s drowning.  With no water in sight. Chocking. Running out of breath. Inner flames dimming down as she runs out of the fight. Running on empty. She has nothing left to give.

Her thoughts keep numbing her down but she still tries to fight against the tide. From within her, she can tell ‘this too shall pass.’

It feels like he’s playing over and over again in her head. Messing with her psyche and throwing her off balance. Practising his gas-lighting capabilities, since that’s his path. Making love to his inner psychopathic tendencies and embracing the darkness.


In the daytime, she can dodge his bullets. Simply because she stopped caring. Stopped believing excuses. Realised that she needed to breathe. Plus, heal.

The moon rises. She starts tossing and turning through the night because she just can’t help it. Scrunching into a fetal position, fighting with her blankets and trying to even out her breathing.

Her dreams run wild taunting her. Telling that she’s not enough. She’s not smart enough. Not brave enough. Not feminine enough. Not fun enough. Not daring enough. The voices get louder as they circle around her, hard and rude or deceptively innocent.

Sometimes, she gets swept away with them and chooses not to fight her fears. It’s easier to give in, a little voice murmurs. What if they’re all right about me?

Other times, she fights them with everything she’s got. Mary is no fool. Her mind is playing tricks on her and her fears are based on vague worries. There’s nothing concrete in the air. It’s just stress that keeps her up, at night.

Hope swells within her like a candle in the dark.

She contemplates finding a hobby that will force her to find inner peace, whenever, she needs it. Just like yoga. I hope I like it, Mary wonders to herself.

Always yawning regardless of what time her head hits the pillow. Trying to rub the dust out of her eyes, straightening her back and gaining strength from her coffee elixir.  Her eye bags have permanently settled on her face for now. Make-up can’t completely conceal them.

Worn out and frustrated. Her mind is clear and doesn’t just drift away. That’s the good thing with being awake. Your subconscious won’t take the driving seat.

She knows the appropriate responses for friends and family. That way, they can back off as she puts the broken pieces back together.

It’s going to be a long day. I need to sleep early tonight, Mary tells herself.

In the light, she can rest her head a little without worrying about her dreams.  Before they turn into nightmares. It’s hard to tell them apart. Giving up isn’t an option. Resting before going back into battle is. Her scarred memories remind her that she’s a lioness.

Mary knows that her mind is a little messed up and it’ll take time to shake it straight.

Time heals all wounds.

Day by day, she’ll stop tossing and turning, with it chasing her as she sleeps soundly.


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