You left since you didn’t know

You left since you didn’t know how to stop me. I didn’t either.  Drowning came so easy. I readjusted for you so you’d drop it and move one. Tired of all the endless questions whether I slept at night. From my voice, you could pick out everything. I always woke up looking like a train wreck with bad hair days. I lost my sense for tastes. Forgetting what my fridge looked like.

I faltered every time I remembered how I used to be. Little statements that I spoke in a heartbeat like ‘I care about you.’ Willing them to flow out of me naturally and sound just like they used to. Each time I mouthed one. My tongue was salty dry and my mind wondered about me. It wondered how long I’d keep wandering in the forest. Running from myself and slowly falling apart.

Embu 2 025

Messy hair all over the place, dull and lifeless split ends. Threatening to leave me because I kept fantasising about taking the big chop. Even when I felt like experimenting a little more, letting down or straightening out my hair. Make myself more presentable, I just didn’t know where to start. Should I have scrubbed away all the lies that lived in my head? Circling my ears and whispering the unbelievable.

I locked my room. Decided not to step out. Felt every burn searing through me just wanting to step away from it all. No longer worrying about what happened next. Friends banging away at the door dying to see me. Begging me to let them in. I didn’t trust myself. I forgot that I trusted them. I forgot that being alone was the last thing that I really needed.

I just needed to sit in a room, locked within a room, sitting inside a bigger room.

The pounding got louder. I almost thought that the door would fall off. It stopped. Then, it came back fiercely refusing to die, I almost wished that I had that kind of fire. Refusing to die instead of needing to crawl into a corner hoping to find healing and peace from within.

Stretched in my pyjamas on the floor, I stared at the ceiling with glassy eyes. Drifting away since I rarely slept when I closed my eyes at night. Closing my eyes, I focused on forcing positivity because I didn’t want to be edgy and tense. Losing beauty sleep, lines wrinkling my face and eyes sinking deeper.

I woke up and Daniel was standing and staring down at me. I could hear water running into the distance and a breeze sweeping the room. I lifted my right hand, tilted my head towards the right and knew that I definitely wasn’t smelling fresh.

Daniel smiled down at me & I looked up with a pained, expression-free face. He helped co-ordinate my feet, walk to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bathtub. Dipping his right hand into the water.

Helping me strip down to my bare essentials and leading me into the water. Soaping up a cloth and touching my back with it, waiting for my hand to take over and do the rest. My face lowered since I lost the dignity to lift it. Not knowing that I needed someone this badly.

Rock bottom.


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