I’m not coming back. I tell myself in the morning, sipping on black sugar-free coffee and eating original Weetabix. I don’t job hop from place to place like I used to. I’ve matured little by little, day by day. I feel like a mouse running in a wheel, pumped with energy but going nowhere.
The office is like a never ending revolving door. Clocking in. Clocking out. Worker bees being pushed up against the wall. Deciding whether to step in line or get out of the lineup. It’s nothing to smile about.
I spot the HR walking around with someone new. She looks like a ruler. Very serious and school like in the way she stands. I feel something familiar at the back of my mind. My body is slowly becoming edgy as a citrus & ginger scent hits my nostrils.
I’m coming to the realization that karma has found me.
Each time I’ve snoozed my alarm in the morning illegally downloaded Scandal called in sick or skived a Friday afternoon. The feeling is just right when your boss is nowhere in sight and my JD occasionally involves meeting clients outside the office. Kazi ni Kazi. I must do it for the company 😉
Her hair is super straight. It looks like her curls were whipped into shape until they lined up. Not a strand out of place. I don’t have to be next to her to know that she’s cooing & awwing as she’s introduced to people.
I heard that you make peace with the past so that it doesn’t eff you in the future.
I’ve never wished harder that I took my own advice.
2 Years Ago
‘It’s nice to meet you,’ Angela told me as she reached out her hand.
I took it and shook it, “Nice to meet you too,” I smiled eagerly.
Super excited and green, I just wanted to make it work. I was going to be awesome. Make new friends. Have fun and learn. Earn my stripes. I was going to get along with her. Angela had other plans.
‘I heard that our new HOD is here today,’ James is whispering opposite me. He just has a pulse for these things. A little bit of me wonders if he’ll end up in a gossip magazine/blog/website. With so much convergence in the world, things are changing so much.
My chest tightens, I automatically smile since I can’t cry out frustration.
Is it bad being an orphan? Answering to no-one? Running wild and doing whatever I want. Coming in late. Leaving early. Having anyone to champion our causes? Fight for our rights?
Wait a second, I’ve been down this road and it stops being glossy real early. You smell the roses & they’re putrid because things are bad af.
I’ll never forget Angela. Queen of petty. I couldn’t do anything right in her eyes. Being straight from campus, I kept pushing harder & harder.
Girls are told to keep the peace & help out wherever they can. It’s not your job to rock the boat & make noise about yourself. A carrot is dangled and I’m expected to chase it instead of asking hard questions. Forgetting that I’m not meant to drink from any cup offered to me.
‘I want this report done perfectly,’ Angela handed me a spreadsheet with lots of figures. Her baby pink manicured nails touched the edges of the paper. Her face trying to break out into a smile
‘Lisa,’ she says as she locks eyes with her, elbowing the HR ‘at least I know one familiar face,’ she teases our HR lady.
My face smiles refusing to touch base with reality. I try not to lock eyes with my colleagues. Chirping away happily, smiling at her and introducing themselves like they kissed the sun this morning.
I decide not to pop that bubble. Let them sleep soundly at night.
Winter is coming.